Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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