...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
