my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
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what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
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#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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