I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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