Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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