Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
