you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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