Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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