I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
