my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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