I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
