you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
