she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
