She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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