i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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