I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I have tasted many bathrooms
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
