my mouth tastes like poor choices
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
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a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
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You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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