I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My bed smells like the plague
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
