some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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