the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
