he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
