remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
