I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
