this beer tastes like vomit already
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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