If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
