He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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