Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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