mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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