So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
