How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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