I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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