i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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