THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
