It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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