I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
