Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Less talking, more tequila
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You need Xanax blowdarts
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
