2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
