I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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