everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
