I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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