Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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