got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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