would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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