Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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