yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
