so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
