and you said cock pushups were impossible
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
