That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
