Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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