I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
