Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
