i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
