Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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