youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
