walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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