the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
