fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
