I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
