You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
